Respect

I’m surprised, sad, struck by the fact that so few groups of people actually respect each other’s ideas. Yes, these ideas may be incompatible on the surface, but often the issue is one of communication, listening, openness, and understanding.

Some of my favorite essayists and authors attempt to explain the issues below the surface. For example, David Brooks writes respectfully about ideas from all sides of the American political spectrum. He attempts (usually successfully) to identify the fundamental underlying differences in views and perspectives that motivate ideas from different groups.

The key to understanding arguments and avoid fighting is to understand what the other side wants. You may find you have the same objectives. For example, most of us want to end poverty and racism, but we differ on how that will be accomplished and what we’re willing to pay for these solutions financially or power-wise.

On the other hand, there are times when what the other side wants is destruction, revenge, payback, power, or death. If someone’s objective is to wipe you and your people off the planet, you can’t meet them half-way. So not all conflicts can find a win-win solution. In these situations, the main hope is to change hearts and minds to convince the other side that they don’t really want their objective.

But these are rare cases. However, many public arguments end up pretty nasty, almost as if both sides feel their issues is one of these cases. What causes political, religious, and/or philosophical thinkers to be disdainful of people with different views?

Disdain may be quite subtle, too. When small, passive-aggressive (micro-aggressive?) comments are made about “how lost”, “how deluded”, or “how evil” another group is, these comments are negatively judgmental, disrespectful, and do not contribute to meaningful dialogue.

There are many forms of this: outright anger, intellectual debate and argument, and even “sadness”. (One popular Christian thinker is known for statements about “I don’t want to believe X, but I am compelled… it makes me so SAD that people don’t get this…”).

What is the opposite of disdain? RESPECT.

Respect doesn’t mean agreement or recognizing the other side’s view as equally valid. It doesn’t mean “tolerance”, either, meaning that you think the other side is deluded but you tolerate them. My definition for respect in this essay is closer to “entertaining the possibility that someone might be right about something, so I should listen and think”. It is being more than open-minded… it is being ACTIVE-minded.

The past 2-1/2 years have been an exciting adventure as I have been learning about Asian thought, taking a crash-course from my now wife during our courtship and into our marriage, as we discuss ideas and I began reading books on cultural differences. It is respect that has opened up this avenue for both of us: respect of my wife – for if I didn’t respect her deeply, we wouldn’t have even started dating, let alone gotten married – and respect for her culture and views.

Before, as a Midwestern, American, Politically-Conservative, Protestant Christian, I was taught to view other religions as suspicious, dangerous, wrong, or just plain dumb. If the Bible is 100% true and contains 100% of all possible truth, why read Confucius, the Tao Te Ching, Upanishad, or Koran? Some Christians may have a “tolerant” view and accept that these religions and philosophies maybe contain 2-5% truth… but the rest could pull one away from the True Faith. Best not to think about that very much.

Respect requires faith. Faith that God won’t let you get too confused. Faith that Truth will win, even if it isn’t the Truth you originally thought was Truth. Faith gives you the grace to explore and even make mistakes. Faith is “running the race”, even when the risk of tripping up is increased. Better to run, trip, get up and continue running, than to walk with trepidation. “Without Faith, it is impossible to please God”.

So, I am endeavoring to learn as much as I can now from Buddhism, Taoism, Confucius, even lessons from Kissinger, Chang Kai Shek, Mao, and other historical figures. I am interested in how Western Christianity may have veered from True Christianity through cultural changes. Perhaps a fresh view of Christ through the eyes of a new culture can reveal a better path than that taught in American Christendom. That’s not to say I’m questioning Christianity nor considering converting to a new religion (don’t worry, Dad and Mom), but that I want to learn as much as I can about a new, bigger, larger world and see how my Faith fits into that world. It is the true world, and there is no reason to be afraid.

Back to respect – what does it mean to read, say, the Tao Te Ching, with respect? First, it means to actually read it! That’s the obvious first step – if you are too frightened of possible challenging ideas or have pre-judged an idea to be evil, wrong, or just plain dumb, then you won’t bother to learn about that idea. So get over these initial thoughts, put them aside, and dive in. Next, consider that these ideas are believed by millions, perhaps billions of people. Does that make it right and True and godly? No, not necessarily. Sometimes the crowd is wrong and you don’t want to follow them over the cliff. But when the “crowd” is an entire culture or subcontinent, respect leads one to carefully consider WHY is such-and-such an idea important to this culture? HOW has it shaped them? And if it is True, how ought it to shape ME?

Now, if I respectfully look into an Idea and determine that still I disagree with it, what to do next? A flip judgment may lead one to feel obliged to convert everyone who believes this to the true belief. In some historical cases, this frequently has led to violence and war. On the other hand, disregarding people who believe something you hold to be false, wrong, or evil is also a disservice to them – it’s not very loving.

Respect implies honor. The Bible commands us to “[h]onor your Father and Mother”. This can and should be extended to one’s neighbor. “Love your neighbor as yourself” surely includes “honoring your neighbor as yourself”.

If say, as a Christian, you traveled as a missionary to a far-off land and preached the Good News of the Gospel to those who’ve never heard of it, which would you prefer: the people to scoff, mock, and apathetically disregard your message? Or for the people to hear you out, listen carefully, and weigh your ideas? Perhaps in the end they still reject accepting your message, but their “rejection” was peaceful and they respect you as a person, they will keep your ideas in their library of thought for revisiting at a later time.

In the first example, there is dishonor, and in the second, great honor. Now, reverse the story: imagine that these 2 cultures each sent missionaries BACK to your country. Which of these groups are YOU more likely to carefully consider? The culture who respected YOU, of course.

As I read the Tao Te Ching, I am reading it to see how it reflects my own Faith. Where do I already agree? Where do I see possible differences? What is surprising? Are there any new ideas I’ve never before considered? What conclusions do I draw, and what actions do I plan to take to incorporate what I’ve learned and believed into my moral actions?

Respect means not being dismissive. The Tao Te Ching has many statements that sound incorrect to me at first. For example, “Failure is fear that one will not succeed, and success is fear of failure.” Because I typically define success as “accomplishment” or “achievement” and not “fear of failure”, I might be temped to just say this verse is “wrong” and dismiss it. But if I respect the text, I dig deeper into the concepts it is trying to say. In this example, the text is asking me to question my very definition of success, and ask myself whether I do have fear lurking. That’s rather profound. But I have to have respect to see this.

Jesus frequently taught through parables and stories, and maybe “having respect” is what he meant by saying “he who has ears, let him hear”. If one listens to Christ without respect, they only hear a story (and maybe a boring story at that, about farmers or shepherds or other non-relatable occupations to modern people). It is easy to dismiss these stories if one doesn’t “actively” listen. One must put in effort to interpret the meaning behind the story. Jesus knew that learning and transformation occurs only when someone desires wisdom, and his stories baited listeners into asking themselves questions. Reading and understanding Jesus requires respect.

吳安仁